Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
BY DR. tRUTH
Last time we heard from Dr. tRuth, she had her knickers in a twist over the tyranny of female undergarments. Now, it's DHEC that's got her going.Dr. tRuth is excited. She lives with the possibility of the DHEC thought-police requesting her help in their new campaign. Instead of handing out condoms willy-nilly, DHEC is determined to promote, under the direction of his majesty King Dave, the not-so-novel concept of abstinence, in all its righteous Christian glory.
DHEC needs Dr. tRuth, who sees unlimited possibilities for the abstinence campaign. To get the word out, Dr. tRuth believes that sex must become a four-letter word (like "work," perhaps) in the minds of the non-wed.
Selling DHEC's abstinence thrust is going to be easy the Dr. tRuth way. In fact, DHEC is welcome to snatch the following campaign from this page, thereby saving the taxpayers untold amounts of money.
Dr. tRuth would like to suggest a poster campaign, with the slogan: SEX SUCKS emblazoned across the top of each one. There would be several versions of the poster, with different photos targeting the different segments of the state's population.
For those in the midst of pupperty -- hormonally dysfunctional without pubic hair -- a full-sized shot of Barbie and Ken naked could forever stunt their sexual growth when accompanied by this copy: Take it from Governor Beasley, this is all there is. Get over it and forget about it.
Tweenagers, already confused in trying to figure out what they're supposed to be if they survive long enough to grow up, could be confronted with a formally dressed prom queen in her ninth month of pregnancy, asking "Why did I think this would help me get a date for tonight?"
For those of legal age to indulge in other, legislatively-sanctioned vices, the poster should present a young woman behind the wheel of her date's pickup truck with the guy puking out the passenger door. Below, it would read: Abstinence. It's not hard if he's drunk. (Dr. tRuth suspects that it would be easy to get Buzzweiser to sponsor this part of the campaign.)
And for the middle-aged, between marriage or never-wed, an aerial view of a bed occupied by a couple on separate sides, the bundling board festooned with the clinical names of sexually transmitted diseases and the following advice: Sex with a condom is like washing your feet with your socks on. Save yourself. Hold out for marriage. Then, just say no.
Dr. tRuth believes that misery loves company. Marriage is one of the best ways to promote abstinence -- at least between the bride and groom.